Disbelief

Sometimes I feel like such an imposter in grad school. Today, we had our first midterm for our "Childhood Articulation and Phonological Disorders" class, which we were all equally stressing about. Still, my being overwhelmed must've been apparent because a few of my classmates commented on it. I know I was stressed because for one reason or another, I didn't study as much as I would've liked. That's natural. But I think on top of that, I have this secret, underlying anxiety and sometimes I wonder how I got in.

For instance, studying with some of my classmates today and in the past, I feel that though everyone is more or less struggling, that they have their study habits down and can retain information easily. There's some stroke of genius amongst my peers. I think I lack that. Ever since I could remember, my grades and performance in school have been decent because of working really hard to achieve what seems like par for others. Like, for example, in middle school, I was that kid who stayed up til 2 in the morning to complete what my classmates did til 900p.

Granted, I don't want to sound dramatic here. To be fair, I've been warned that this is a common feeling/insecurity felt by first year grad students the world round. But I guess I've always felt pretty slow, and that was really apparent today. That's what makes me wonder how I got to where I am because it seems like most people need a balance of natural genius and hard work. I worry that being older, I just don't have the energy I use to to work hard and if I don't have that, what am I left with? Perhaps this is a sign that I need to start drinking coffee... nnggg.